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Chatting with someone on here tonight and reading her journal.



I go to check out a profile and I actually muttered the words.



"Are you fucking serious?"



And my boyfriend jumped out of bed thinking our guild got attacked.



God I love him sometimes.

Step back and look at your life. Look at how you live each and every single day.



My mother always taught me to treat others how I want to be treated. The other night a comment was left in my journal that shook me a bit. Nothing major, it just lowered my opinion of a member here. I don't demand respect. I don't even expect it from anyone here. I do expect it from the children I work with, but that is a different situation.



On the grounds of me writing about drama or a mess. I never named any names in my journal. I never pointed fingers. I simply stated that I had a few thoughts as to who they were. There were two people that I thought it could be. One ended up messaging me and we joked about the situation. The other didn't have any clue about it until days later. I never named them because I didn't want people screaming drama. I simply kept it to myself and to my thoughts. The only reason I thought those two people was because of the beauty of the profile that was/is at the center of attention. That was, and still is the reason those were my thoughts.



The fact I was called what I was because I stated an opinion of my own shook me a bit, but made me think of things that my mother taught me. People are cruel and people will always be mean. I am going to be who I am. One person's opinion of me will not make me a different person. It shouldn't.



I try to live my life in a way that is good. I try to be kind, caring, and understanding. It's the best I can do. It's all that I ever expect from anyone. Is to try.



I'm not religious. I don't believe in a god or goddess. I don't worship anything really. I don't attend church and I don't pray. I was raised in a very spiritual home and was taught to be kind and turn the other cheek and to be compassionate. The values and morals that some modern religions try to teach aren't bad. Some I have adapted into my life. You don't have to be religious to be a good person.



Every single year at Christmas time, I empty my change pocket of my purse into a Salvation Army bucket. I may not have much myself, but there are some out there that have less.



I wake up Monday through Friday to get dressed for work like any normal person. Like any parent, I have children to worry about those 5 days a week. 265 children become my responsibility for a few hours each day. That is my chance to either make an impact or just brush those children off. I try my hardest to make those kids smile. Even when I'm at my worse with my own mental health, I try to make them smile.



I come home in the afternoons to sit at my computer for a bit to relax before cooking my boyfriend and his family dinner. In that time I log into my PSP forums and try to see what challenges there are and see if there was anybody that needed help or had a question that I could answer. If I feel like creating, I do.



After dinner I log into my game and help run a guild. I help my guildies out with runs/gear/random stuff and have a lot of fun. This is how I live my life. I may seem like I have a "lot of time" on my hands, but in reality, it's well spent.



In real life and online, I'm attempting to make some impact wherever I go.



It's my life. It's what I do. Sometimes I have bad days and fly off at people. Sometimes I want to punch people in the ovaries. But sometimes I want to reach out and hug people when they need it. There are some members on here that I just wish I could reach out and hug when times are rough for them. Ones that are going through them now, and ones that have been through them in the past. And then there are the people that I stalk via journals that I wish I had the nerve to talk to more because they seem really cool.



I have e-rambled. But who cares? It's my journal. It's my space. I don't write for anyone else but myself. I'd do this on paper, but it's far easier for me to do it this way sometimes. Plus, my handwriting isn't easy to read. XD

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LadyKrystalynDarkstar
09:06 Dec 31 2010

This is so very well written and so very true of many people here. I appreciate that you wrote this.

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Oh god.



I just burped and it smelled so horrible.



I think it might have been my dinner xD



Which reminds me of what happened at dinner.



We went to the local place that is down the road and the guy that works there knows us pretty well. So as he was taking our order (pretty much confirming that we wanted the normal) he double checked if I wanted my steak medium rare.



After he brought it out, he came to check on us and asked if I wanted them to cook it more. Sean looked at me and said "hunny...the damn thing is still trying to moo"



My reply, "Nah, I enjoy it like that."



Travis got a laugh and walked away to get our check.



I guess burping it back out doesn't smell as good as it did going in. Or maybe it was the won tons I had to snack on. God I've been a little piggy today. o.o



Oh yeah!



No child tomorrow night! They are moving the trip to Saturday night since Jen found out that Sean and I had plans and his mother never told her that part. She apologized and said that it's no prob and next time she will call me directly to ask instead of the mother. xD



Child Saturday night works for me.

Sometimes my slightly normal self wants to kick my hyper-manic self.



I guess I don't talk too much about that aspect of my life in here. But I have mentioned it a few times, I do suffer from Bipolar I disorder.



Technically the official diagnosis is Bipolar I with the offset of Schizo-affective Disorder.



For those that don't know what Schizo-affective Disorder is, here is a tidbit from the interwebs:



Schizo-affective disorder is a mental condition that causes both a loss of contact with reality (psychosis) and mood problems.



A bit farther down in that article is this:

The symptoms of schizo-affective disorder include:



* Changes in appetite and energy

* Believing that someone on TV or the radio is speaking directly to you or that secret messages are hidden in common objects (delusions of reference)

* Disorganized speech that is not logical

* False beliefs (delusions)

* Feeling that everyone or one person or agency is out to get you (paranoia)

* Irritability and poor temper control

* Lack of concern with hygiene, grooming

* Problems sleeping

* Seeing or hearing things (hallucinations -- especially "hearing voices")

* Trouble concentrating

* Very good or bad mood



Now this isn't to make you people here think you have this problem. I was diagnosed with this problem by 3 different psychiatrists. This isn't something I pulled out of my ass.



But the last one on that list tends to overlap with my bipolar and the delusions sometimes pop up more with the mania.



Well I'm getting off track. But I've been on new medication for the past couple of months for my moods. They first put me on Lamictal. It was working well for what it's intended to do. It's kept me out of the depressed state since I started on the second stage of dosing. Problem is that it's working too well. I've been bouncing off the walls like Tigger. (My therapists exact words).



So I decided to take on a second job. Today...my other medication that I started last week, decided to start to kick in properly. I'm pooped.



Yay for the Topamax. But geez.



I'm gonna stick with this. I really am. But god damn it. My damn manic self.



And for the record. I'm not asking for a pity party because I'm bipolar. It's nothing to pity me for. I take my meds, and like Sean said, I keep shit interesting.



It makes me think of what Vicki (my therapist) told me. We aren't going to treat the diagnosis. We are going to work to make a better person. We are going to work together to make it easier to live and experience emotions the way they were meant to be experienced. The diagnosis is just a label that doctors use so that they can prescribe the medications to help. It's about the person, not the label.

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MooniePie
21:59 Dec 30 2010

My therapist would say the same thing about "it's not label, but the person."



Therapy is amazing if you kind find one that you really clique with. I stopped seeing mine. I kinda of miss it, but I kinda don't.



I think she was crazy. She told me I was pretty normal. :|

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Abstract
22:21 Dec 30 2010

Mine is awesome, she told me if we didn't click that to let her know. Not to miss therapy and she would help me find someone to help.



It's nice to talk and have her listen and explain things that I don't quite get about myself. I constantly am asking questions and she said that it's a good thing that I am curious about what is wrong with me. XD

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I like Sean's sister. I really do. She is really cool to chill with.



But sometimes...I wish she would find another person to baby sit her child.



Last weekend he spent the night. Which didn't bother me. But this weekend, Sean's parents had plans. So Sean and I had started to make plans as well. Not plans out of the house. But the type of plans that involve enjoying a very empty house on New Years Eve.....



Found out today that Tristan will be here. And Sean's parents are still going out.



I don't wanna watch a child I didn't whelp this weekend. Especially since I wasn't asked and I ain't getting paid. -.-



That is the reason I didn't have kids yet. I wanna enjoy holidays and party times without having to worry about where a child is. *shakes a fist*

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MooniePie
18:56 Dec 29 2010

That is pretty selfish to just drop the child off at the house and not think about you and Sean. Isn't this going to be your first NYE together? It should be special and enjoyable. You shouldn't have to worry about a lil one being around.

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Abstract
18:59 Dec 29 2010

It is. Last year we just were on msn and I got to wish him happy new years from the future. Which is funny, but not the same.



His sister and her boyfriend are gonna snowmobile to his families cabin or some crap and can't take the kid. I have a feeling that something is going to happen (proposal) but I don't wanna watch the kid. This family is friggen huge. I am gonna call her later and see if she can't drop him off at the other sisters house or something. Or see if his damn father will take him.



Sean doesn't know about this yet. He is gonna flip shit tonight when I tell him.

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Abstract
19:01 Dec 29 2010

I also wouldn't be surprised if Jen asked if someone could watch the kid and Sean's mother said we would do it...

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MooniePie
19:08 Dec 29 2010

Or Sean's mom said you two would be home and is sister just assumed it would be okay. I don't blame you. I think you should tell them how you feel. To ring in a New Year with someone for the first time is a wonderful experience.



Having a kid tromping around while it's happening, is not. lol

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Abstract
19:39 Dec 29 2010

Knowing his mother...She volunteered our asses. She did it on Christmas when Jen called to ask if Sean's dad could go get the kid and his mother said "Oh, Sean or Cassie could go get him"



Either way, I think we will be finding ourselves someplace else this weekend. It's not our child. We didn't whelp it. It shouldn't be our responsibility.

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Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!



Sean just told me my Christmas gift since we decided to wait on doing gifts for each other.



I'm getting a commission from my favorite artist. :D



*dances*



I'm so friggen happy. I squeezed the beejebus outta him.

This letter is evil: ß



No. It's not a "B"



It's some funked up letter that Germans use that threw me off my game while doing my German lesson this morning.



*shakes a fist*

I hope everyone had a decent holiday.



I know mine was pretty good given the circumstances. I was worried that I would be an emotional wreck during the entire day, but I was pretty good. His family gave me some space and time to call my family and chat with them so it was nice. I chatted with my grandmother for about an hour and my mother a few times throughout the day.



Then during the day we played a plethora of Wii games. I started out playing Ocarina of Time for the millionth time. Then we played some wii fit games. Followed by karaoke.



Then the adults took turns in trivia and darts.



After that we were asked to go pick up Tristan since Jen was running late and had to go to work yesterday. When Sean's other sister/family left, Tristan hooked up the new Dangerous hunts game and tried to play. The first time he saw a bear he freaked out and handed me the gun. XD



We then went upstairs to play a little Dofus and then headed off to bed.



The kids all loved the gifts we got them. Blaise loved her Zuzu pet a LOT. I'm happy. I picked that one out. :D



Sean and I got a 100 dollar Visa card from Jen that we used today to get a couple of games. (Super Mario Bros. Wii and Star Wars Force Unleashed II)



Sean also got 50 dollars from his parents and I got a Bath and Body Works gift card which I put to use today. I bought a bunch of clearance stuff. There is nothing wrong with the product, just the labels all have snowflakes and christmas stuff on it. XD



I had a great holiday despite missing my family. It wasn't too bad, Sean's family is pretty cool to hang with.



Some of the things that I heard said just so you guys can laugh all came from the kids:



Tristan:

*shaking a present* "It sounds like a puzzle. Santa is cheap"



Orion:

"No daddy. I need my own gun cabinet now" after getting a giant nerf gun the size of him.



Blaise:

"MY OWN HAMSTER! IT WILL BE NAMED PRINCESS"



She seriously screamed that. ._.

Just a thing to remember this season.



"And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: How could it be so?

It came without ribbons! It came without tags!

It came without packages, boxes or bags!

And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.

Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"



It's been in the back of my mind all day after hearing Sean's mother complain how the grandkids in Texas won't get the presents until Monday.

Tonight is the lunar eclipse and unless I can see it from my window, I ain't too worried about catching it.



We are supposed to be getting a fuckton more snow tonight. I'm keeping my butt inside.



Anyone want snow? o.o

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Vampirewitch39
16:29 Dec 21 2010

You have to ask?



*holds up her hand*

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Went out Christmas shopping today.



Never again.



I swear, I was going to run someone over with the cart. How fucking hard is it to keep the damn thing straight so that people can move around you?



Seriously.



Afterwards we went to see Tristan play in his first hockey game. He ended up playing goalie. He wasn't half bad at it. They ended up winning. (11-6)



On the way home, Sean's dad treated us to Dairy Queen. When we got home I got to wrap all the crap that everyone got.



Christmas is going to be rough. I can just tell. :(

Random thought.



I'd love if some of the artists/photographers on this site decided to sell licenses for tag making.



Or grant FTU usage.



*keeps looking at a certain image that I wanna tag*



:(

Tonight was a night of experiments in the kitchen.



The first was my try at making gnocci. Turned out pretty good. Got asked to make it again.



Second one was making a gingerbread house. The damn thing collapsed on itself after an hour. I think the house was too warm so the icing didn't set up right. XD



I did get a picture of it while it was on the table!







Ignore the mess behind it, we had finished dinner and hadn't quite cleared the table yet.



Next attempt will be gingerbread men (and women) after I make bread pudding this weekend. :D

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Vampirewitch39
17:54 Dec 16 2010

It was the Mt. Dew can... sort of looks like the Grinch. ;)



Nice tho- very detailed out. :)

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*sings softly to myself*



So far, this has been the best birthday I've had in a long time.



Woke up a bit early, but my meds make me pee a lot, so I am used to it.



Saw a gift card in my email for Sephora from a good friend. Totally made me smile.



This past weekend was amazing. We didn't hit the light show, but we still had a great time. I got a game for the Wii (technically a gamecube game) and some stuff from Bath and Body works. Then we went for dinner at Outback and I sucked down a couple drinks while eating a tasty effing steak.



Back to the hotel room after that and a nice soak in a jacuzzi with my baby rubbing me down.



Then we curled up and watched Beverly Hillbillies since it was on the tv.



No clue what the rest of today will bring, but I do know cake is involved.

I love how much a turnaround my morning has been so far.



I woke up at about 5:20 because I was having a nightmare. I realized I should go to the bathroom and get a drink of water, when I got back to the bedroom I saw the time. I figured I'd stay up a bit.



About an hour later I look over at the bed and decide that I wanted to wake Sean up.



So I crawled in under the blankets and stuck my very cold feet on his butt. He woke up and told me I better have a good reason for that. I simply stated I wanted to snuggle a bit before he has to get ready for work. He smiled and then held me. It was nice to lay there and feel his arms around me for those 20 minutes. We normally only do that on Saturdays and Sundays since I sleep through him waking up and getting ready for work.



It makes me think back to where we were a year ago regarding our relationship. We had only talked online up to that point. We had seen each other over webcam on msn and voice chatted a couple of times. Oh how much has changed in a year. I remember him giving me the best gift ever last year. He called me on my birthday and told me he loved me. Thinking back to it, I smile a bit thinking how scared he said saying that.



Now a year later and we are getting ready for a weekend away from the house. We have a hotel room that has a 2 person jacuzzi ready for Saturday night. Then a trip down to Duluth to see Bentlyville and go ice skating. Hopefully a nice dinner after that.



We will head home on Sunday. I'm excited about that this weekend. It's the first time in a while that I've been able to really celebrate my birthday.



Then Tuesday we have no school, and he decided to take the day off. So instead of spending an extra day together on Monday (the day of my birthday) we are doing it the next day. Which works great since I do have an appointment Tuesday afternoon. I don't feel safe driving there by myself.



Just looking forward to a great weekend. Today was a fantastic start to it. :D

In an earlier entry I talked about the expected and the normalcy my life has fallen into. I never touched on the unexpected with my life and how much I enjoy that aspect.



Every day, most people go to work expecting everything to be the same as it always is. Where I work, I can't do that. I can't walk into the school and expect that every single kid will behave. That boys won't fight and girls won't call each other names. That would be silly. I do expect that some people will act up and that I will have to remind them of the rules. That is the only thing I can expect.



But then there are other days. Like today.



I never expected to hear a kid threaten to kill another classmate in the 3rd grade.



I never expected to hear a first grade boy tell a girl that he would rather be her boyfriend when they got older.



And I never expected my little buddy ask me if he can come to my place for Christmas.



Each one was a separate issue that I dealt with.



The first one sent me into a state of worry. His mother was called and simply stated "oh well, kids will be kids". I'd accept that if this kid hasn't already been in trouble numerous times for fighting. I hope he is put into counseling or something. :(



The second one was simply adorable. She asked him to be her boyfriend, he stated he wanted to be older so he can take her to the movies. My heart melted at hearing that. :D



The third one made me cry when I got home and processed it. This kid is the one that I ate with on Someone Special day since no one showed up for him. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about this child. I care about him more then the others for some reason. Today he walked up to me and asked if we could talk. He then grabbed my hand as we walked around and he told me that his Thanksgiving was bad and he didn't do anything. He asked me if he could come to my place for Christmas.



I'd be tempted to say yes if I could. The issue with this is that Sean works with his father and went to school with his mother. (They don't live with each other)



We both feel Jordan is getting abused at home. Or at least emotionally neglected. That kid crawls in my lap all the time just to get a hug. I would love more then anything to take him home with me, feed him a good dinner, tickle him and show him love. But I can't do that.



Every single teacher and employee at that school sees how him and I interact. His own teacher came and told me that I seem to care more about him that his own mother. It makes me so sad.



I think I may message his father on facebook and have a chat with him. His father deserves custody of that child. Not that mother. :(

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sPerAnZa
03:04 Dec 09 2010

Working in a daycare myself, I know how you feel.

Too see kids do things you'd never expected someone their age to do, to wanting to cry when the babies you get emotionally attached too hurt.

Those kids become more your kids than their parents. You are there when they fail. You are there when they succeed. You are there every step when they need a helping hand....

To see them hurt, hurts you in ways you could have never imagined.



But as much as you want to get involved or something, you can't when it comes to personal situations like this. I wouldn't recommend messaging the dad, mainly because it can be used against you later on if the mom finds out and you can lose your job. :(

Just be there for little man. Love him and let him know how much you love him. He needs that right now.

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Abstract
04:03 Dec 09 2010

I know better to get involved, but I want to.



It's not my place, but it doesn't feel right.



If I have to, and I see more shit that points to abuse, I can call social services. That I know. As a school employee I am allowed to make that call.

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I hate when my past comes back to criticize my present and future.



You were my best friend when I was a child, you were there for me during some of the roughest things for me, just to turn your back and run away from me when I needed you the most.



Now you come back 5 years later and be my friend on facebook. Then you criticize how I don't have a child yet and I'm not married yet, how I made all the bad choices in my life.



I have a boyfriend, I love him more then anything in the world. We aren't married yet because we are taking the time to get our life situated before rushing into marriage. In the grand scheme of things, marriage is just a piece of paper. If you love someone it shouldn't matter if you are married or not.



I don't have a child yet. Well I'm turning 22 in less then a week. My mother didn't have me until she was 23. I think not having a kid at 22 is a good thing these days. I can't afford to provide a good life for a child right now, so I don't want one.



I may have made bad choices, but not all of them were bad. Moving to Minnesota was a good choice. Getting a job was a good choice.



Where are you? Unemployed from what I've gathered. You have a kid, but no job. You are married. Grats to you for finding someone. You still live in Florida and live off the state it seems.



Want to know what state assistance I get? Medical insurance. That I pay 4 bucks a month for.



As I type this, a song we used to rock out to together came on. Almost fucking fitting.



"My cock is much bigger than yours. My cock can walk right through the door. My shit stinks much better then yours." -"Cigaro" by System of a Down.

Got my first batch of cards yesterday. It was really nice to get them. :D



I am sending out my first batch today after work. I have to do them in batches because I didn't exactly count how many stamps I would need and I ran out. So I have to get more when I get paid this week.



Looking forward to this weekend though. Sean wants to take me somewhere to celebrate my birthday. I'm not sure what, but it should be fun. :D



I am excited.



Plus, I get cake next Monday :D

Grrrr





Fucking grrrrr!



This is the 3rd night in a row that I have gotten up way too early to go to the bathroom and then couldn't get back to sleep. It's getting ridiculous. I can't get rest to save my life.



I'll talk to my doctor about this one. I think it may be my medication doing this. I've even stopped drinking caffeinated stuff about 5 hours before bed. :(